This is the sound my mind is currently making, this or something very close.
It’s such a strange thing. The last few days have been so bad, so dark, that it’s really difficult to think clearly about anything at all.
Am I at risk? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Certainly I don’t have a plan.
That’s the trick with reaching DEFCON 1. Usually that’s,
1. Everything is worthless.
2. I have a plan for ending my life
3. I have the means to do so.
4. I have reached that point where I’m calm/resigned/comfortable with my imminent demise.
The first time was around a year and a half ago. I woke up that morning and I knew, I just knew, that today was the day. Pills and booze. That was the plan. I’d given up and I was entirely comfortable with ending it all.
The second time was a much faster deterioration. I had returned to work (not long after the unexpected death of my wee sister) and I was finding it had to complete basic tasks. And I was telling myself that I should be doing what was my usual job and beating myself up when I was finding the even the simple stuff too much. It wasn’t long before I was back in DEFCON 1.
The hospital happened.
And that was a good thing. That was last summer. The last year has had its ups and downs.
Right now, today, as I type this, I’m at DEFCON 1 & 1/2.
I’ll keep taking my pills. I’ll keep working on my CBT. I’ll try to keep my mind occupied.
Hopefully soon the sound my mind make will be a bit more like this:
I’ve had these little plastic ratmen for years. Unpainted. Their sad little ratty faces looking at the insides of their box.
(This is a Warhammer thing.)
After years of not painting them, finally, FINALLY, Project Skaven has begun.
I really have no idea how many little plastic humanoid ratmen I have. Over a hundred? Maybe. In an attempt to clear though some outstanding painting tasks I have finally committed to painting them up.
And the first one, hot off the production line is this guy…
The Warp Lightning Cannon.
I shall not apologise for the crap camera on my phone, or my lack of ability while using it.
I had a whole screed written about this but my computer crashed and I lost the file I tend to put blog ideas in. Ah, well.
Long story short…
- last summer
- suicide attempt
- 4 weeks in Gartnavel Royal Hospital for change of meds and being kept safe
- regular meetings with GP
- work let me go
- started CBT
And I’m still here.
My management were really good about it. But they had to let me go eventually.
Oh, FYI, Gartnavel Royal staff are brilliant.
Obviously I’m leaving out the finer details. But the fight for sanity continues.
Let’s be honest here. My interest in writing anything at all died on its arse. Sure I’d have moments where I missed the thrill of putting pen to paper but generally? Nah. Forget it.
So, has anything changed in that regard?
Maybe. Kind of.
There was a recent submissions window for the Black Library, which is Games Workshop’s fiction publishing arm. They were looking for a 500 words of the start, or thereabouts, of a short story based on one of their main properties. In previous years when they’ve done this I’ve shown an interest but never had anything ready in time. This year I thought it might be interesting to try but as I mentioned above, my heart really hasn’t been in the whole word bashing thing. So I left it.
And I don’t know what changed. On Sunday I thought, why not, and I bashed out five hundred words that afternoon. I polished it up and, with a summary of where I thought the story would go, I submitted it Monday evening. Now, I can’t actually believe I did that as THAT’S NOT SOMETHING I DO.
But it was on Monday.
So this isn’t me saying that I’m back on the wagon. Far from it. But if another submission window comes along that raises an eyebrow or a weird idea pops into my head that just won’t leave me alone, then I might bash some words out for it. I’ll see.
As for the Black Library submission? It took me by surprise. The whole actually submitting part of it. I’m not exactly expecting anything from them, but you never know.
I’ve changed things.
You may notice that the site is ugly as sin at the moment. That’s okay. I have things on my mind. I’ve not rage quit or had another breakdown or anything bad like that. It’s just that, well, I’ve been thinking things over since the beginning of the year and, while I’m keeping the domain and the site, I’ve realised that clearing out clutter, be that mental or physical, is the order of the day.
There’s such a thing as moving light, as while I’ve still got a lot of stuff ( a good generic descriptor there…) to clear through, it was long overdue that the lowly Website That Should Not Be Updated had, well, an update.
So, bearing that in mind, stick with me. The site will be cleaned up so that it’s a bit prettier, which won’t be difficult, and I’ve got some actual content coming.
Oh, and if you’re reading this after I’ve set up the layout the way I want it and it’s still as ugly as sin, tough cheese laddo.