mental health : the current state of mind

May 22, 2018 at 4:36 pm. Posted in Mental Health with the Tags: , , | No comments

This is the sound my mind is currently making, this or something very close.

It’s such a strange thing. The last few days have been so bad, so dark, that it’s really difficult to think clearly about anything at all.

Am I at risk? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Certainly I don’t have a plan.

That’s the trick with reaching DEFCON 1. Usually that’s,

1. Everything is worthless.
2. I have a plan for ending my life
3. I have the means to do so.
4. I have reached that point where I’m calm/resigned/comfortable with my imminent demise.

The first time was around a year and a half ago. I woke up that morning and I knew, I just knew, that today was the day. Pills and booze. That was the plan. I’d given up and I was entirely comfortable with ending it all.

The second time was a much faster deterioration. I had returned to work (not long after the unexpected death of my wee sister) and I was finding it had to complete basic tasks. And I was telling myself that I should be doing what was my usual job and beating myself up when I was finding the even the simple stuff too much. It wasn’t long before I was back in DEFCON 1.

The hospital happened.

And that was a good thing. That was last summer. The last year has had its ups and downs.

Right now, today, as I type this, I’m at DEFCON 1 & 1/2.

I’ll keep taking my pills. I’ll keep working on my CBT. I’ll try to keep my mind occupied.

Hopefully soon the sound my mind make will be a bit more like this:

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