As I claw my way out DEFCON 1 (not quite to DEFCON 2, but I’m definitely not as self-destructive, or just plain destructive, today) I was thinking about small moments of kindness and, while I don’t depend on them, how appreciative I am when they happen.
And, when I remember to do so, I like sharing kind words to folks. It’s not about me or “look at me, ain’t I grand”, but some people rarely hear a kind word and I’d always rather be kind than the alternative.
Mental Illness is a real thing and it’s everywhere. And kind words do help.
I was doing my internet banking, seeing how poor we are in a month that has five weeks between paydays, and while I was trying to reconcile things I saw a wee button at the bottom of the window.
“Got a problem or question? Chat to an advisor,” it said, or something quite like it.
So I clicked on it.
You: Hey William
William: This service can provide you with general help and guidance.
It cannot be used to give product advice or deal with queries relating to personal accounts.
We would never ask for your full account, card or logon details, memorable information, passwords or PIN numbers, or ask you to transfer money out of your account.
Can I take your name please and how may I help you today?
William: Hi Alistair, how can I help you today?
You: Are you having a good day?
William: Yes thanks, I hope you are too.
You: i certainly am. I don’t have a problem. Just saw the chat button and I thought i’d spread some happiness. I hope the sun shines on you today. And I mean that in an actual, emotional and spiritual way. 😀
William: That’s much appreciated, Alistair. Many thanks and the same to you.
You: Not a problem, big chap. Laters. 😀
William: Goodbye and thanks again.
This is the sound my mind is currently making, this or something very close.
It’s such a strange thing. The last few days have been so bad, so dark, that it’s really difficult to think clearly about anything at all.
Am I at risk? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Certainly I don’t have a plan.
That’s the trick with reaching DEFCON 1. Usually that’s,
1. Everything is worthless.
2. I have a plan for ending my life
3. I have the means to do so.
4. I have reached that point where I’m calm/resigned/comfortable with my imminent demise.
The first time was around a year and a half ago. I woke up that morning and I knew, I just knew, that today was the day. Pills and booze. That was the plan. I’d given up and I was entirely comfortable with ending it all.
The second time was a much faster deterioration. I had returned to work (not long after the unexpected death of my wee sister) and I was finding it had to complete basic tasks. And I was telling myself that I should be doing what was my usual job and beating myself up when I was finding the even the simple stuff too much. It wasn’t long before I was back in DEFCON 1.
The hospital happened.
And that was a good thing. That was last summer. The last year has had its ups and downs.
Right now, today, as I type this, I’m at DEFCON 1 & 1/2.
I’ll keep taking my pills. I’ll keep working on my CBT. I’ll try to keep my mind occupied.
Hopefully soon the sound my mind make will be a bit more like this:
I had a whole screed written about this but my computer crashed and I lost the file I tend to put blog ideas in. Ah, well.
Long story short…
- last summer
- suicide attempt
- 4 weeks in Gartnavel Royal Hospital for change of meds and being kept safe
- regular meetings with GP
- work let me go
- started CBT
And I’m still here.
My management were really good about it. But they had to let me go eventually.
Oh, FYI, Gartnavel Royal staff are brilliant.
Obviously I’m leaving out the finer details. But the fight for sanity continues.