First things first, I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year. But I am doing a Creative November.
What does that mean?
Well, a bit of writing everyday.
It doesn’t have to be main story stuff. Could just be a bit of worldbuilding, some character work or expanding on some in-world terminology.
I’m using a new notebook I treated myself to a week or so ago. I’m a whore for a new notebook. 🙂
So, yesterday I put the first few hundred words down on a new story. It has no proposed length but I have an end(of sorts) in mind.
There’s no pressure, just committing some mental resourses to something I used to enjoy. Also, it’s good for the mental health to have something to do that isn’t just the mundane housework.
What’s the story?
It’s starting as a police procedural type on a distant, recently settled world. I have some mad ideas to add to it. No wizards or giant robots though. I don’t think it’s that kind of tale. 🙂
As the Earth survives another successful orbit of its celestial master we can look over the last year, or decade, and see what we’ve achieved and what we’ve learned.
But let’s not bother with that. I’m actually in a good mood and I don’t want to spoil it. 😀
Three things of note though:
- The wife is a teacher now, half-way through her probation year. She loves it and I’m really chuffed for her.
- My mental health is still improving despite a rocky few weeks of backsliding. I’m still hear and breathing. Sometimes it’s enough just to have that. 🙂
- My little girl turned 10 last week and she’s a great kid. She helps light the darkness up.
So, let’s march into the next 10 years with a touch of optimism. Who knows, it might actually work out.
First things first:
That’s where you’ll find the main info behind it. Bullet Journals are part diary, part journal, part calendar. And the way it’s done means you’re in control of how the information is saved, with an indexing system that’s quite adaptable.
I got a new notebook today. That’ll serve as my new journal for 2019.
My last one covered October 2017 to June 2018. This was the period of increasingly poor mental health leading up to my wee visit to hospital. And the last message in the journal? My suicide note. Yikes.
Anyway, the plan is to see how I can use it to improve myself rather than chart my slow deterioration into madness and self-destruction.
Let’s end on a happier note.
I picked up the film Species the other day. Once the child has settled down to bed I’ll enjoy the delights of a H.R. Giger designed Natasha Henstridge.
This is the sound my mind is currently making, this or something very close.
It’s such a strange thing. The last few days have been so bad, so dark, that it’s really difficult to think clearly about anything at all.
Am I at risk? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Certainly I don’t have a plan.
That’s the trick with reaching DEFCON 1. Usually that’s,
1. Everything is worthless.
2. I have a plan for ending my life
3. I have the means to do so.
4. I have reached that point where I’m calm/resigned/comfortable with my imminent demise.
The first time was around a year and a half ago. I woke up that morning and I knew, I just knew, that today was the day. Pills and booze. That was the plan. I’d given up and I was entirely comfortable with ending it all.
The second time was a much faster deterioration. I had returned to work (not long after the unexpected death of my wee sister) and I was finding it had to complete basic tasks. And I was telling myself that I should be doing what was my usual job and beating myself up when I was finding the even the simple stuff too much. It wasn’t long before I was back in DEFCON 1.
The hospital happened.
And that was a good thing. That was last summer. The last year has had its ups and downs.
Right now, today, as I type this, I’m at DEFCON 1 & 1/2.
I’ll keep taking my pills. I’ll keep working on my CBT. I’ll try to keep my mind occupied.
Hopefully soon the sound my mind make will be a bit more like this:
I had a whole screed written about this but my computer crashed and I lost the file I tend to put blog ideas in. Ah, well.
Long story short…
- last summer
- suicide attempt
- 4 weeks in Gartnavel Royal Hospital for change of meds and being kept safe
- regular meetings with GP
- work let me go
- started CBT
And I’m still here.
My management were really good about it. But they had to let me go eventually.
Oh, FYI, Gartnavel Royal staff are brilliant.
Obviously I’m leaving out the finer details. But the fight for sanity continues.